Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
