Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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