i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
