just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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