...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize