Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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