those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
