she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
