Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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