i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
