the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize