come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
