I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
