his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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