fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize