she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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