i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
