just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
