Already got asked if we're dating
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
