i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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