Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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