Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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