I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the condom got lost in my hair
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
did i just pee glitter
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
