I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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