I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
