It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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