I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
