how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
