Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
