some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
