I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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