Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
