so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
