My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
