i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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