I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
