final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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