woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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