Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
