My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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