I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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