I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
