What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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