you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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