he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
