my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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