when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
