I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
