It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
