You just made me feel so damn special
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
