I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
