remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Sorry about my life...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize