I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
