This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
