Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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